First love language: words of encouragement

The First Language of Love: Words of Encouragement

“Mark Twain” once said: “I can live for two months on kind praise.” If we understand Twain’s words literally, six compliments a year can keep the love tank full. An effective level, and your partner in life may need more than six compliments. One way to express love emotionally is to use encouraging words. Someone said in the past: “The tongue has the power of life and death.” Many husbands and wives do not know the great impact that encouragement has. For each other, it has also been said: “An anxious heart causes a person to collapse, but a kind word revives him again.” Verbal compliments and words of appreciation are good conductors of love, and they are best formulated with simple, direct expressions of encouragement, such as: “You look good.” Very beautiful in this dress.” “Wow, you always look great in that dress.” “You must be the most beautiful potato cook in the world. I love the potatoes you cook.” “I really appreciate you washing the dishes today.” “Thank you for being a babysitter tonight. I want to tell you that I don’t consider this something you should do.” “I really appreciate that you threw the trash out.” What happens to the emotional atmosphere of a marriage when spouses exchange words of encouragement like this all the time? Several years ago, I was sitting in my office and the door was open, and as she was walking into the hall, she said to me, “Can I have a minute?” So I said to her: “Sure, go ahead.” She sat down and said: “Dr. Chapman, I have a problem. I cannot convince my husband to paint the bedroom. I have been asking him to do this for nine months, and I have tried with him in various ways, but I have not been able to convince him.” “And the first thought that came to me was that the lady had made a mistake, as I am not a painter, but I said to her: “Tell me about the matter.” She said: “Well, the last stop was last Saturday. Do you remember what a beautiful day that was? Do you know what my husband did all the time?” “Today? He was washing and cleaning the car.” “So what did you do?” “I went to him and said to him, ‘Bob, I don’t understand you. Today is a very good day to paint the bedroom, and you are here cleaning the car.’” I said wonderingly. “So, did he paint the room?” “No, it hasn’t been painted yet. I don’t know what to do with him.” So I said to her: “Let me ask you a question. Do you hate clean cars?” “No, but I want to paint the room.” “Are you sure that your husband knows that you want to paint the room?” She said: “I am sure of this, I have been asking him for this for nine months.” I ask you another question, has your husband done anything good before that? “Leave me.” like what ?" . “Oh, taking out the trash, cleaning your car windows, paying the electric bill, or hanging up his coat?” She said: “Yes, he does some of these things.” I said to her: “I have two suggestions: First, don’t ask him to paint the room anymore.” And I repeated it to her: “Don’t ask that at all.” And she said to me: “I don’t understand how that would help.” To solve the problem.” "Look, you told me that he knows you want to paint the room. You don't need to tell him again. He already knows. My second suggestion is that next time your husband does anything good, say a few kind words to him: If he takes out the trash, say to him:" “Bob, I want you to know that I really appreciate you taking out the trash.” Don’t say, “I finally took the trash out, the bugs are about to take it out for you.” If you see him paying the electric bill, put your hand on his shoulder and say to him, “I really appreciate that you pay the electric bill.” I have heard that some husbands do not do this, and I want you to know how much I appreciate this. “Every time he does a good job, you must praise him with nice words.” “I don’t see that this will paint the room.” I said to her: “You asked me for advice, and this is my advice to you, and it is free.” The lady was not happy with what I said to her when she left my office, but three weeks later, she came again, and said to me “Your advice has worked.” I have learned that verbal flattery has a greater impact than insistence. “I do not mean that you should flatter in order to urge your partner in life to do something for you. The goal of love is not to get what you want, but rather to do something that is meaningful.” It is important for those you love. However, when we hear words of encouragement from those we love, this motivates us and excites us to fulfill the desires of our partner in life. Encouraging words: Verbal compliments are one way to express your love for your partner in life, and there is another dialect of this language, which are encouraging words. The word Encouragement means “stimulating courage.” Each of us has times when he feels insecure. We feel a lack of courage, and this lack sometimes prevents us from achieving the positive things we want to do. The strength lies within our partner in life, which he loses during times of feeling insecure. Safe, perhaps waiting for some encouraging words. Alison loved writing, and she took some courses in journalism toward the end of her college studies. She soon found that she felt more excited about writing journalism than studying history, which was her field of academic study. It was late. To change the academic field, but after the end of her academic studies, and before giving birth to her first child, she was writing many articles. She sent one of these articles to a magazine, but when she received an answer that rejected the article, she did not have the courage to write again, and now, after the children have grown up, She then had more time to contemplate, and Alison began writing again. Alison's husband, Keith, did not pay enough attention to Alison's desire to write at the beginning of their marriage. He was concerned with his work and moving up the career ladder. Despite this, in At some point, Keith realized that the true meaning of life is not in achievements but in relationships, and he learned to pay more attention to Alison and her interests; So it was rather natural that he should come one night to pick up one of Alison's articles and read it, and after he had finished reading it, he went over to where Alison was sitting; As she was reading a book, and with great enthusiasm, he said to her: “I hate to interrupt your reading, but I wanted to tell you this; I just finished reading your article about “Making the Most of the Vacations.” You are a wonderful writer, Alison. These articles You should publish! You write clearly. Your words paint a picture that makes me see what you want to say, and you have a wonderful style. You should send these articles to a magazine. Alison asked him hesitantly: “Do you really think that?” “Keith” replied to her: “Yes, believe me, this is a good job.” When Keith left the room, Alison did not finish reading, and while she kept the book closed in her lap for half an hour, she began to think about what “Keith” had said, and she began to wonder whether it would be People's opinion of her writing was the same as Keith's. She remembered the rejection answer she received several years ago, but she said that she had become a different person now, and that her writing had become better, and that she had more experience, and before Alison left the chair she was sitting on to drink some She had made the decision that she would send her articles to some magazines and see if they would publish them. Keith had said his encouraging words forty years ago, and Alison had published many articles since then, and now had a book contract for her. She is a writer. She is brilliant, but it was her husband's encouraging words that motivated her to take the first step in the difficult decision to try to publish her articles. Your partner in life may have a talent that has not been exploited in any field of life, and perhaps this talent is waiting for some words of encouragement, and perhaps what he needs is A training course to develop this talent, or he needs to sit with some people who have succeeded in this field, and who can provide him with the experience he needs in the next step, and perhaps your words will give your partner in life the necessary courage to take the first step. Please note I do not mean that you should pressure your partner in life to do what you want, but I mean that you should encourage him to develop skills that he already has; For example, some husbands pressure their wives to lose weight, and the husband says: “I encourage her,” but the wife sees that as a condemnation. You can encourage her only when she has the desire to lose weight. If she does not have the desire, your words will Before wearisome preaching, such words are rarely encouraged; Because it is often taken as a judgment, the goal of which is to make the other party feel guilty; Thus, it expresses rejection, not love. If your wife says to you: “I think I would like to enroll in a weight-loss program this fall.” Then you have the opportunity to encourage her with some words, such as saying to her: “If you decide to do that, I can I tell you one thing, and it is in my power that you will succeed. This is one of the things I love about you, which is that when you decide something, you do it, and if this is what you want to do, then I will certainly do everything I can to help you, and do not worry about the costs of the program, because if this is what If you want to do it, we can arrange the money.” Such words can give your wife the courage to contact the center that organizes this program. Encouragement requires you to be sympathetic with your partner in life, and to see the world from his point of view, and we must first know his priorities. Only then will we be able to encourage him. Through verbal encouragement, we try to communicate with our life partner by saying: “I know, I care, I am with you, how can I help you?” We also try to show him that we trust him and his abilities, by praising and praising him. Most of us actually have more abilities than we can show throughout our lives, but what hinders us most of the time is courage, and one spouse can support the other with these very important facts, and of course it may be difficult for you to say encouraging words, as perhaps these are not the ones. The primary language of love that you speak, and learning this secondary language will require a lot of effort, and this also applies to people who speak critical, particularly condemning words, but I can assure you that it is worth the effort.

Kind words

Love is tenderness. If we are going to communicate love through words, we should use gentle words. This is related to the way we speak. One sentence can have two different meanings, depending on how you pronounce it. The phrase “I love you,” if said gently, can be a true expression of love, but what about the phrase “I love you?” The question mark completely changes the meaning of these two words; Sometimes we mean something with our words and the tone of our voice changes this meaning, and in this way we send two different messages, and our life partner usually interprets the intended message of the speech according to the tone of voice and not the words we use. If the phrase “I would be happy to wash the dishes tonight” is said in a tone of voice Complaining is useful, as it will not be understood as an expression of love. On the contrary, you can express sorrow, pain, and even anger in a gentle way. When you say the phrase, “I felt sorrow and pain because you did not help me this evening,” in a sincere and gentle manner, it is... As an expression of love; Because the person who speaks wants the other party to know what is inside him; It takes steps to establish intimate connections by sharing feelings; She is asking for an opportunity to discuss her pain in order to find a cure, and if the same words are said loudly and harshly, they will not be an expression of love, but rather an expression of condemnation. The way we speak is very important, and an old saying says, “A soft answer extinguishes anger.” If your partner is angry and criticizes you with harsh words, then if you choose to be loving, you will not respond to him with the same severity, but in a gentle manner. You will take what he says to you as an indication of his emotional feelings, and you will enable him to tell you what hurts him and makes him angry. You will put yourself in his position and see the situation from his point of view. Look at him, and you will express your understanding of why he feels this way in a soft and gentle way. If you have wronged him, you will be able to acknowledge this injustice and ask for forgiveness. However, if what you meant was contrary to what he understood about you, then you will be able to explain your meaning in a gentle way, and you will seek to Understanding and reconciliation, and not until you prove that what you mean by your words is the only explanation for what happened. This is love in a mature way, the love through which we aspire to a successful marriage. Love does not stop at a few mistakes, and does not retain previous mistakes, for no one is without flaws; In marriage, we do not always do the best or right thing. Sometimes we do or say things that are hurtful to the other party. We cannot erase the past. We can only acknowledge it and agree that it was a mistake. We can ask for forgiveness and try to act differently in the future. After we admit our failure and ask for forgiveness, we can do nothing better than to alleviate the pain that may have befallen the other party as a result of these mistakes. If you were wronged by the other party, and he admitted it with bitterness and asked for forgiveness, you have two options: either justice or justice. Forgiveness. If you choose justice and want to avenge yourself from him or make him pay the price for his injustice to you, then you have set yourself up as a judge and made your life partner an accused. Then for any of us, affection becomes impossible. However, if you choose forgiveness, in this case affection can be restored. Forgiveness is the path to love. I am amazed at the large number of people who spoil every new day with the day before it, and insist on recalling yesterday’s mistakes today, and with this insistence they spoil the possibility of living a new wonderful day. The following words are not words of love, but rather words that express sorrow. And anger and revenge: "I can't believe you did that. I don't think I'll ever forget this. Maybe you don't know the extent of the pain you caused me. I don't know how you can sit so calmly after you treated me this way. You should have come crawling on your knees to ask." Please forgive me. I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive you. “The best thing we can do with the failures of the past is to leave them so that they become part of history. Yes, these things did happen, and they were certainly painful, and their pain may continue until now.” But he admitted his mistake and asked for forgiveness. We cannot erase the past, but we can accept it as history, and we can live today without remembering yesterday’s failures. Forgiveness is not a feeling, but a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to return offense to those who have wronged. Forgiveness is An expression of love, and the following words are words of encouragement to express love in a gentle tone of words: “I love you, I care about you and I choose to forgive you. Although my feeling of pain may last a long time, I will not allow what happened to come between us. I hope we can learn.” From this experience, you are not a failure; Because you failed once, you are my partner in life and we will start together from now on.”

Simple words

Love means a request, not a command. When I order my wife to do something, I become the father and she becomes the child; it is the father who tells the child of three Years of what he should do, or rather what he must do, and this is necessary, because a three-year-old child does not know how to navigate in the midst of the deceptive waters of life, but in married life we are equal; we are adult parents, we have not reached the stage of perfection without the slightest doubt, But we are adults as well as partners, so if we want to develop an intimate relationship, we need to know each other's desires, but if we want to love each other, we must know the other's needs. However, the way we express These desires are very important, because if we express them in the form of commands, we have eliminated any possibility of intimacy and forced the other party to move away. However, if we express our needs and desires in the form of requests, it is as if we are giving instructions and not final decisions. When a husband says to his wife: “Do you remember the apple pies you used to make? Can you make us one today? I love those pies.” Thus, he gives her instructions on how to express her love for him, and thus intimacy is built between them. On the other hand, the husband who says to his wife: "You haven't made me an apple pie since the baby was born, and I don't think I'll have an apple pie again before eighteen years." Then he will have stopped behaving like an adult, and has turned to teenage behavior, and such commands do not build intimacy. The wife who says To her husband: “Can you clean the drains on the weekend?” “She is thus expressing her love through this request. As for the wife who says to her husband: “If you don’t clean those drains soon, they will fill the house, as small trees have already begun to grow out of them.” Thus, she stopped loving her and became a domineering wife. When you ask the other party for something, you confirm confidence in his value and abilities, and in fact, you show him that he has something or that he can do something important and valuable to you, but when you do this in the form The thing is, then you will not become a loving person, but rather an abusive person, and your partner in life will not feel that he has value, but rather he will feel despised. The request provides an element of choice, so your partner can respond to your request or reject it; Because love is always a choice, and this is what makes the choice important. When I know that my wife loves me enough to respond to what I ask of her, this conveys to me, from an emotional standpoint, that she loves me, cares about me, respects me, and that she likes me and wants to do something to make me happy. And we cannot. To obtain emotional love through command, one party can comply with the command of the other party, but this is not an expression of love, but rather a feeling of fear, guilt, or any other feeling other than love; Thus, demand creates the possibility of expressing love, while order stifles this possibility.

Different dialects

Words of encouragement are one of the five love languages, and there are many dialects within this language, and we have already discussed a few of them, and there are many others. Entire books have been classified, and many articles have been written on this subject, and the common denominator is Among all these dialects is the use of words; To enhance confidence in the other party, the psychologist William James said: “The deepest human need is his need to feel appreciated,” and words of appreciation meet this need for many. If you are a man or a woman, you are not fluent in those words, and this is not your primary language to express. Love, but you think it is your partner’s primary language in life, so let me suggest that you keep a small diary and call it “Words of Encouragement.” When you read a book about love, record the words of encouragement that you find in it. When you hear a lecture about love, and when you by chance hear a friend of yours say Write something positive about another person, and over time, you will have a good list of words that you can use to convey love to the other party. You may also want to say indirect words of encouragement, meaning to say positive things about the other party in their absence. And in the end, someone will tell him this, and you will receive praise as a reward for your love. Tell your mother-in-law how wonderful you think your wife is, and when your mother-in-law tells her what you said, the news will reach your wife, and then you will receive greater praise. Address words of encouragement to your wife in the presence of other people, and when When you receive public recognition for an accomplishment, be sure to praise your partner. You can also try writing some words of encouragement. Written words can be read many times. I learned an important lesson about words of encouragement and love languages in the town of Little Rock, State. “Arkansas.” My visit to Bill and Betty Jo was on a beautiful spring day. They live in a multi-story house with a white fence, green grass, and spring flowers in full bloom. It was perfect, but as soon as I entered, I discovered that Idealism is over; Their married life was broken. After twelve years of marriage and two children, they were wondering why we got married in the first place. They seemed to be different about everything. The only thing they agreed on was that they loved children. As the story unraveled, I noticed that Bill was an addict. He was busy with his work and did not have enough time for Betty Jo, and Jo was working part-time; To get away from home for a little while, and their way of coexistence was to withdraw, and they tried to put distance between them; Not to mention their struggles were big, but the level of love in their tanks showed they were empty. They told me they had been going to a marriage counselor for a while, but it didn't seem to be making much progress. They were attending my marriage seminars, and I was leaving town that day. Next, and this may be the only time I will meet Bill and Betty Jo; That's why I decided to put all my eggs in one basket. I spent an hour with each of them separately, and listened carefully to both sides' stories, and I discovered that despite the emptiness surrounding their relationship and despite their many differences, each side values certain things in the other side. "Bill" admitted, saying: "She is a good mother, a good housewife as well, and she is also a wonderful cook when she decides to cook, but I simply do not feel that she has any affection for me. I do my best at work, but there is simply no appreciation for it." While I was talking to Betty Jo, she said, “Bill is an excellent breadwinner,” but she complained, saying, “But he doesn’t do anything at home to help me, and he has no time for me at all. What’s the use of us having a house and a nice car? And all the other things, if we don't have time to enjoy them together? Having obtained this information, I decided to make my advice a single suggestion for each party. I told Bill and Betty Jo separately that each of them has the key to changing the emotional climate of their married life, and I told them: “This is the key.” It is for each of you to express the things that you like about the other party with some words of appreciation, and for you to stop for a while your complaints about the things that you do not like about each other. We started reviewing the positive comments that they had already said to each other, and I helped each of them write a list of these things. Positivity. Bill's list was centered around Betty's activities as a mother, housewife, and cook, while Betty Jo's list centered around Bill's hard work and financial support for the family. We tried to make the list as specific as possible, and it was “Betty Joe” is as follows:

He never missed a day from work for twelve years.
He received many promotions during his years of work, and he is always thinking of ways to improve his productivity.
He pays household expenses monthly. He also pays electricity, gas, and water bills.
He bought us a nice car three years ago.
He trims or hires someone to trim the grass once a week during the spring and summer.
Collects leaves or hires someone to rake them during the fall.
Saves a lot of money to buy food and clothes for the family.
He carries the trash out about once a month.
Saves money to buy New Year's gifts for the family.
He agrees that I can dispose of the money I get from my work as I wish.

While Bill’s list was as follows:

Makes the family daily.
She cleans the house once a week.
She prepares a good breakfast for the children before they go to school every morning.
She cooks dinner about three times a week.
She buys Vegetables.
She helps the children do their homework.
She takes the children to school.
She teaches first grade at Sunday School.
You take my clothes to the laundry.
She does laundry and ironing sometimes.

From the book The Five Love Languages